I Surrender...

It seems that just when i think i know what it means to truly surrender, i find that i really know nothing. I do not know if it is because i never knew to begin with, or if it is because as i begin to understand and know more, everything changes. More is asked...

Like when you are a child the meaning of life is as simple as being happy. This is still a true statement.  I believe, we find as we get older, this is true but what changes, are the things that make us happy. As we move from thing to thing, we find that the very things we have stressed to obtain have not brought us happiness at all. However, we do not know this until we obtain the object of our desire. The problem, i believe, is that no one can tell us that we will not find happiness where we are looking because we refuse to hear it. So we are left chasing after empty things and when we finally grasp hold of it, we are again disappointed. So we move on to the next thing. 

It seems that spiritual knowledge is hidden in layers and layers of understanding. The depth of which is mind boggling. As you gain ground, you are left unfolding yet another puzzle and another page. As you surrender what you believe to be your all, you find there is more and more to contemplate. There is always more asked of you and still further to go. Deeper and deeper.

I have lately been left wondering if i will ever fully understand anything. The more i understand, the more i realize that i know nothing at all and that all knowledge is empty. So then i am left wondering why? Why do i need to know anything except that i am in myself capable of nothing, not even knowing the basic premise of life. Not being able in myself to bring about any change nor any amount of happiness or fulfillment of promise.

Yet i struggle with this always. I push myself to the end of my capability and then i ask GOD for more because still i find that i have fallen short of any kind of excellence.  This in itself, should not surprise me because if CHRIST is the standard that i have set before me, than  i will never achieve this until i am glorified by Him and standing by His side in eternity.

I have given up chasing CHRIST a long time ago. As long as you are chasing, you are never walking with Him and i choose to walk with Him. So this journey is not a lonesome one, yet it is very painful. When you watch your world crumble or worse when you know it is coming and you know that you can do nothing to stop it, it is to say the least very painful.  Do not misunderstand what i am saying here. There is plenty i can do to keep things together, but it is not my job to do this. What i am and what An Audience of One and The Well is, is a GOD thing and when you surrender yourself to GOD, it is not yours to fix, save, alter or change. NO MATTER WHAT. You never put your hands on something of GOD, this would bring death.

The problem i believe in this; that we do not see it because the death is a spiritual one and not a physical one. We can see our church dying and pray for GOD to keep it going and wait until it begins to die, we get scared and stop trusting, so then we do what is needed to resurrect it. WE DO what is needed. At this point, it is no longer the offering we have given to GOD. We have taken it back and fixed it ourselves. We begin to change things using some pattern we have seen in other places that we know works. We do not deviate from this plan no matter what. It does not matter what GOD says at this point because we are successful and surely this is GOD's blessing. IS IT?

An Audience of One has decided to close The Well. We thank all of you who have been here by our side throughout the two years. This was a hard decision but want to do what it is GOD needs us to do. We do not believe that GOD wants us here anymore and so we must move on. We have given ourselves and our ministries to the Lord and we will not take tem back. They are His to do with as He pleases.

So we are left here clinging on to Him and the promises we have made to each other. Sometimes i wish i had stopped at the shallow end of the pool but the water is luke-warm there and i find i like it HOT. My husband, whom i love very much, calls me a reptile.  It seems that it is never hot enough for me, in the spiritual or the natural.

Now i find myself in way above my head, in the deep end of the pool. I never really learned to swim, so it is by faith that i find myself here. It is understandable that i am scared.  If i said that i am not scared because, i am trusting in the Lord who is my strength, this would most likely win a lot of points with you all. It is funny how we are isn't  it? We like to impress each other with our spirituality and we trash on the saints who are transparent enough to allow us to see their weaknesses. Transparency is the very thing that shows us a true heart yet we do not treasure this, we consider it weakness. I will ask you to remember CHRIST's words, "It is in weakness i am perfected." Sorry,, i am most likely paraphrasing and i will look up the verse and fix this.

So i stand naked and admit that i am scared and i am holding on to the edge. Everything i have seen and everywhere i have gone makes me scared. I see how far we have to come and i know how short the time is. I am scared. I am scared for myself and for all of us. I thank GOD that He has made a way for us through CHRIST because we would never be with Him left to ourselves. Yet we think and live as we are doing it through our spirituality. Lord please forgive us we are naked and wretched and so very stupid.

The prophets are calling for a 40 day fast starting monday. I encourage those of you who are reading this to please become part of this. If you cannot fast food, fast something else, maybe coffee or TV or whatever you feel is an offering.

So as before, i am scared, naked, wretched and wanting and drowning and still holding on. So now i ask myself, why am i holding on. The only answer i can come up with is because i am scared. Am i afraid of drowning or am i afraid of what i will find on the bottom of the pool or more importantly, am i afraid of loosing what it is that i am holding on to? Well i guess i will never know until i let go. I do know one thing, i can not swim and so i have no other place to go but down and i am too battle torn and tired from trying to hold on.

So as i go under, i know one thing, the Lord is there waiting for me and i will end up in His arms and if i have to start again, i will, with Him as my strength, and maybe this time i will get it right. I am sure that what i will be left with are the things that i will need to do what the Lord has set before me to do. 

Your prayers are much needed. Let's pray for each other in these times and keep each other lifted above ourselves.

Be Blessed

sherry grace